The Never Cold Email

Jason Figg -

Often enjoying London's Harry Wallop Times consumer/workplace column, I was suitably pleased to read him hail the lost art of cold emailing.

I cite one key case study paragraph;

Hamish Thompson now lives in Tasmania after selling his successful public relations business in 2019. He worked with lots of big consumer businesses, including Sainsbury’s, Virgin Money, Asda and Ladbrokes. He won a lot of his clients by sending an email with the subject line: “NEVER work with this PR Agency” and a text that read: “I know your time is valuable, so here are a list of reasons never to work with us.” It went on to give ten reasons, in fact, why his company was ideal, my favourite being: “We don’t have a vintage caravan in reception, fake grass on the floor, pet monkeys or a goat’s milk decaf chai latte maker. We run a consultancy, not a theme park.” It worked, he reckons, because big businesses are drenched in mediocre approaches. Being a bit unorthodox is a prerequisite for getting a foot in their door.

Unpack that.

Well, if the claim that it 'won a lot of clients' holds, ought we try it?

After all, many a solution seller ends up having to try cultivate leads for themselves. Regardless of any Marketing machine that may whirr alongside us.

You get the vibe of this, I'm sure.

Yet I struggle to see how it alone opened the door.

My own experience of such is that - despite the irresistibly fresh soup-du-jour email template you might deploy - it is seldom a single, sole email that gets you in. The seasoned talk 'campaign' for a reason.

At least it was devoid of life-branding-sales guru clarions to hustle with added manipulation all lathered in pseudoscience.

I just asked five AI-bots. Apparently expect to send between three and five different intro emails before any positive response flows [ChatGPT, Claude & DeepSeek, the latter adding the caveat they must be "well crafted, personalised" ones]. Four emails might be a practical number before considering whether to continue or reassess your approach [Grok]. And there's no "magic number" but stop if nothing back after your third try [Gemini]. Hmm.

Back to the PR sample above. It does though sniff a little of the gimmick end of such. Tricky to conceive of the positive reception it clearly achieved in this case.

There's many past instances of 'breakthrough' mailing.

One I remember well was the subject line; 'appropriate person?'

Not bad for a bit. Then overnight seemed to globally trigger impenetrable spam filters.

I can imagine this week crack teams assigned to produce versions. Then literally thousands of lucky people receiving an email beginning with 'NEVER work with...'. Complete with those first-word caps.

So how could I resist a shot at my own?

For reference here's the original version ten years back from 2015. Later updated for 2020.

As for my own first pass...

Ten reasons NEVER to work with me:

  1. You won't catch me saying "super excited", "reach out", or "always be closing"
  2. I don't have any interest in LinkedIn
  3. I never make anyone learn by rote an 'elevator pitch' or such like
  4. I don't think absolutely everything can be done over video alone
  5. My specialism is selling 'solutions' to business, especially with new products - the key word being selling, so I shan't ever waste time telling you how to do Marketing
  6. I'm not going to bring you doughnuts to a meeting, then explain how you must not look at the hole, but what's around it
  7. You won't see my ad interrupt the start of a youtube video, in fact you won't see my ad at all
  8. Over my three decades career, I've likely done what you presently want to, so you may be like those I've met who prefer tyros without such experience
  9. I was last an employee back in 1999, corporates can still find me 'challenging' to the extent that if you commission me, you can stir the wrath of a Sales Prevention Department in a way you didn't realise possible
  10. Where you view any issues or ambitions your nails, only if completely and uniquely fitting shall I bring my Birmingham Screwdriver

I'm no direct mail expert. As the above remixed copy might attest. I do though know for sure that your comms must be different than and rise above the general mediocrity of all others.

Whilst I am sceptical about this particular option, I guess the only way to judge it is through testing. Just make sure you have those four follow-ups primed and ready, hey...