Don't Copy This Accenture Retail Consulting Fail

awful accenture careers quote 300sq

Alright, so I have little time for business services giant Accenture. Although I don’t quite go as far as those who call them the Mormons of the consulting world. Or is it Moonies? Whichever.

If you need a disdainful view justified you needn’t look too far this week. Somehow their careers Instagram runners deemed this message suitable for promoting their attractiveness.

It is utter rubbish.

Exactly the kind of mentality that gives their kind a (mostly deserved) bad name.

There’s so much about it that makes me scream where on earth do you start?

I’m sure we all have big ticket consultant nightmare tales of our own.

I’m reminded of the publicly recounted tale of Cockney barrowboy entrepreneur Alan Sugar. He changed the face of home tech (especially tape decks and video recorders), sourcing from the Far East in the 80s. When he saw brown goods slide, his investors forced him to entertain consultants.

Yet once with their foot in his door, he couldn’t get rid of them. Their astronomical fees accompanied the release of little tangible improvement from their alleged wisdom.

Enough was enough when one day a keen twenty-something hauled him in front of a whiteboard to explain Bill Of Materials.

Yet they continue to thrive.

The theme is so flawed for me, picking at specifics seems hardly worthwhile.

You’re aiming to enthuse talented achievers and you choose to major on bland nothingness, every drop from you the employer’s side alone.

I give in. Specifics.

“I love…” only marginally beats “I’m passionate about…”

Then we’re supposed to be in thrall to a client industry “in a constant state of evolution”. Like no other sector is, right. And what of such measured change? Isn’t the action really in a revolution?

Then that sign-off sentence. It’s lucky my head didn’t explode. ‘Don’t worry, we’ve a dripping roast here, boys and girls, and once we get our teeth into someone, they cannot escape our grasp.’

It’s as if House Of Lies never hit our screens.

So perhaps you can re-write Michael’s sentiment in the style of the hapless Doug?

Retail excites me because tech and trends fuse to disrupt like never before. We stay ahead through sustainably solving client problems. With tons of omnichannel data.

Good old Guggenheim.

Let’s not do a Doug, hey. Nor a Michael.

This also brought to mind a cheeky answer to that most deceptively tricky of opening questions;

[prospect]  what do you do?

[you]  …whatever it takes!

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